31 months - Marked out on the Ocean

Gregg and I marked our 31^st month of waiting on a cruise ship outside of St. John (that would be New Brunswick, Canada, not the Caribbean island).  While we were holding out every hope that we would get the call while we were on our cruise, it did not come.  (However, huge congratulations to Veronica on the referral of her 18-month-old son on October 4!  I am so happy for you!)

Really, though, we had a marvelous time and I was sad to see our vacation end.  We got a lot of much-needed rest and were quite happy to not have to respond to phone calls, e-mails, and office deadlines.  The ship stopped in the ports of Boston, Portland, St. John, and Halifax, but we did not spend a great deal of time out and exploring.  We did get out and walk around a bit but didn’t do any shore excursions.  We spent most of our time on the ship relaxing with a good book (or two…or three) and a cup of hot chocolate…or coffee…or tea.  We did manage some ballroom dance classes that were a lot of fun and had a great time getting all dressed up for dinner (something different when you get to go totally casual to work every day).

 

Our last night - so relaxed!

The dining room staff on this trip was absolutely amazing.  Our waiter, Edwin, was from Mindanao and the hostess in the dining room, Rachel, was from Cebu.  Gregg and I decided to try to speak with them about where they were from and bring up the subject of the adoption to see how well it was received.  We were wondering how our family might be treated after we adopted, if we were to bring our child on a cruise ship with a primarily Filipino crew.  The original reactions were interesting.  First, Edwin and Rachel thought that we were talking about sponsoring a child in the Philippines.  When we explained that the child would be our son/daughter and would be coming to live with us, they were polite about it.  The more they talked to us, the more they started to hear about the respect that we had for the people and their culture.  The more they heard, it seemed the more accepting they were and the happier they were for our family.

On October 3 we had a conversation with Rachel about the foods of the Philippines.  She couldn’t believe we had eaten Filipino food and liked it, let alone tried to cook it before!  Then she told us that there had been a special request for chicken adobo on October 4 (our 31^st monthaversary) and she asked if Gregg would like to have that for dinner.  (I’m allergic to poultry, so that wasn’t going to happen for me )8 )  What a surprise that was!  Gregg was thrilled, and that evening was probably one of the biggest highlights of our cruise.

Gregg's Chicken Adobo

We came home Saturday afternoon and there had been contractors busily working on some home repairs while we were away.  That will continue through this week and then hopefully be finished.  It’s also back to the daily grind of work again.  I’m so grateful for having taken that time off, though – it’s much easier to deal with the everyday stuff.  I wish I could say it was easier to wait for the call, though.  One day at a time.   

For our future recruit of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police - We couldn't resist!

Lessons at 2 1/2 Years

I’m blown away by the fact that today is our two-and-a-half-year point.  I have learned so much in the last 30 months, I thought I’d use this post to talk a little bit about what I have learned as I’ve waited.  These came spilling out of my head in no particular order, so bear with me.

©       Find a support system for during your wait.  30+ months is a long time, and you need people to help see you through.  I am especially grateful to my parents, family, a few friends (online and across town), and of course my husband.

©       You and your spouse may not always see eye-to-eye during the wait, and you may not always feel the same way.  It may actually be more like being on a teeter-totter much of the time – when one of you is doing well with the wait, the other is down and ready to jump off, and then vice-versa.  This is OK.  Just be supportive of one another.

©       Find something you and your spouse love to do together and do it.  Gregg and I decided to go out to dinner together once a week, even if it’s just to the local diner.  This forces us to sit for an extended period of time and not only enjoy our food, but enjoy each other.  We talk about our days, our weeks, our plans.  And who knows when we’ll be able to do this after the little one comes home. 

©       Adoption grief is REAL and it is a PROCESS.  A large portion of adoptive parents mourn the loss of something in their lives pre-adoption, whether it be infertility and inability to bear a biological child, or, like us, the loss of a potential placement – a name and a face you loved.  I learned that the grief I suffered was real, and I could not rush though my recovery.  It took a full year before I could think back on the children and smile and now display their photos in my home.  Because after all is said and done, that …

©       Loss in adoption is still part of your story, and it can be honored as such.  There is no shame in this.

©       Your adoption agency proves itself not only in how it handles the very best of situations, but perhaps more importantly, the very worst of situations.  I know we picked a great agency because of the outstanding way they handled our situation with Pooh and Tigger, both in fighting for us and knowing when to let go, but then in helping me to receive counseling afterward.

©       You can love somebody until it hurts and never have met them.

©       You can think you can’t wait another day longer and then push yourself forward another six months…a year…more…

©       Starting a blog and beginning communication with the people whose blogs I had been reading since the beginning of my wait was one of the best things I did for myself while waiting.  I formed friendships with people I’ve never met – across the country and around the world – and these friends have gotten me through the best days and the worst days smiling and laughing.

©       The more you wait, the more you learn.  You learn from people who have adopted before you, from books, magazines, online seminars…If we had been successful at adopting eight years ago, I’m amazed at how much we wouldn’t have known; yet, I’m sure we would have been just fine.  When we finally do bring our child home, I know there will still be so much we don’t know…and yet I know we’ll be just fine.

©       At around 18 months I made quite a stink to Gregg about how upset I’d be if our wait extended to 25 months.  Amazingly, here we are at 30, and I know that I’ll keep waiting as long as it takes to bring my child home.  I’ve waited 8 ½ years for this moment, and a few months more really isn’t the end of the world. 

©       I went into this wait eight years ago wanting a baby.  I’ll come out with a child of a totally different age because to us, it was more important to just be parents.  I’ll come out of this wait a whole lot wiser than when I went in.  I’ll come out of this wait ready to be Mom.   

Making light of a stressful situation

I’m finding some stress in our wait again the past few days.  It could be the fact that we’re on the border of the two-and-a-half-year mark.  (I’m actually pretty sure that’s what it is.)  I’m restless.  I’m having a hard time focusing on my work.  I’m finding the need to accomplish something else in addition to my work (I’m not sure what that is), and yet I find myself looking from my work to my phone to my e-mail and back again.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I actually think Lakota’s had enough of it – she keeps giving me very pitiful looks from the couch. 

I’m still hearing that irritating, over-used phrase, “You’ll get the call when you least expect it” a whole lot.  August has been a bit of a bust, but there are some interesting things going on in September and October, so I decided to have some fun with this saying.  The plain and simple fact is (and yes, I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again), at this stage of the waiting game, you expect it at every moment of every day.  I would probably only be surprised if the call came at 2 a.m.  (So if my social worker is reading this and wants to really surprise me – there’s your cue.) 

So here is my list of the top places that could make the best story for getting a referral in the upcoming months:

3.  Sweating at the vet’s office with a big dog who hates going there

2.  Waiting to be called for jury duty

1.  The middle of the Atlantic Ocean.  We know that this is a possibility, right, Renee?  I can guarantee you if the call has not come at this time we will be checking messages every time the ship comes into port!  (And we are always the type to lose the phones on vacation, too…I think I’ve lost it!)

Anyone else have any good places to add to the list?

Just one wish

Every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, my very best friend (“she who has always been more like a sister to me”) begins asking me what it is that I want that year. 

For years, I’ve really needed to dig deep to come up with something to tell her.  There’s nothing I can come up with that I need, and not a whole lot that I really want. 

There is one thing that I want, and I’ve probably mentioned it every year for the past four years at least, but I know she can’t do a darn thing about it. I want my child home!

I know that this child will come to us whenever it’s the right time.  Not my time – the right time.  This year, while the unattainable birthday dream might be a referral phone call, oh, today, my true birthday wish is this:

That my child-to-be is happy, healthy, safe, and loved, wherever s/he is, and that his or her heart might be ready and willing to accept parents who will love and cherish him or her forever.

That is what I’m wishing for today.      

29 months - plan the vacation

Moving on, we hit 29 months today.  (After a while, keeping track of the months is a bit like singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall.”  You know the song is going to end eventually, but it just…keeps…going…) 

The last family from our agency to receive a referral from the Philippines was matched with a 4 year old at exactly 29 months.  I believe this was the longest wait so far.  I don’t have very high expectations that this will happen for us.

The new rumor circulating now is that there are not so many children in the 3+ age range available for adoption, so couples requesting children 3+ are actually being offered referrals for younger children.  I’m not sure what I think of this.  Something seems wrong with this train of thought.  I would have figured it would have been the exact opposite.  At this point, I’ve pretty much given up trying to understand anything.  I’m just waiting and hoping…waiting and hoping.

Completely independent of the adoption, July was a stressful month for us.  Adding the stress of the wait to it, we weren’t a very happy household over the past month.  With some tears, I finally realized that our child won’t be coming home this year, and we should just take advantage of Gregg’s PTO before he becomes overly stressed out at work. I did some research, found some great deals, and paid the travel agent a visit, and the final result is that we’ll be going on a seven-night cruise to New England and Canada in October.  Um, is it October yet?

Here’s hoping August will be a better month than July.  August is normally a busy and pleasant month for us.  Tomorrow Gregg and I will mark 11 years since the day we first met.  Nothing’s turned out the way we planned it and life’s been crazy, but I couldn’t love him more.  Five days after that is my birthday, and I’m so thankful to my mom for planning a lovely day out for me to keep my mind off a phone that won’t ring.  I am amazingly lucky to have a fantastic support system, including all my wonderful bloggy buddies!