I am beginning this post in an attempt to explore, discover, and possibly rationalize why I have been so cranky and volatile during our wait for a referral.
To be clear, I understand fully that there are families who have been waiting for referrals just as long as we have, and some families have been waiting even longer at this point. I understand that we wait our turn and things will eventually click into place.
In three weeks I will have been chasing the goal of motherhood via adoption for nine years. I’m starting to consider all of the things I’ve sacrificed in the pursuit of the one thing I wanted more than anything else. Was it worth it? After nine years, I guess not. The thing is, I always truly believed motherhood was just around the corner. By the next Christmas, surely.
After being ICAB approved, I thought we were locked into a final countdown to the long-awaited day. Starting at 18 months after approval, we started telling people who asked, “It could be at any time now. They’re telling us 18 to 24 months.” 24 months rolled around and we were still saying, “It could be any time now. They’re saying 24 to 36 months.” So it would appear that a good deal of frustration would stem from living with the unknown for so many years, deluding myself into believing that then would be soon for so long – and always being wrong.
My personal theory is that timeframes are going to increase again, even though that is not the current word from ICAB. The update from our agency last week was that there are still families from 2008 being matched, and most of the families from the first half of 2009 who are being matched now are Filipino families or non-Filipino families open to older children, siblings, or children with various health needs. While we are waiting for a child between 3 and 9 years old, we are also at 34 months. My feeling is that not only is our wait will be over three years. That is confusing for us and for people who care about us. It’s exhausting to have to explain to people who keep asking why there’s still no sign of a referral.
We seem to have a bad habit of jumping into things at just the wrong time. By the time we were ready to sell our house after a year of discussion, we jumped in at just the time the marked crashed and couldn’t sell. We waited a year in the Vietnam program; never realizing the Philippines was a viable option for us. Had we not waited that year and jumped right in, we wouldn’t be in this mess of a wait.
So ultimately, where does my frustration come from? Not from a program finding homes for children in the best way possible. No, my frustration is with myself – for allowing the one thing I wanted above all else to occupy my mind and heart, sacrificing my ability to simply be – to live, love and enjoy life outside of pursuing motherhood. I have taken a job working from home to be with my child when s/he comes. What if that does not come to pass, I wonder? Have I created this lonely of an existence for nothing? And if this one dream of mine does not come true, who am I – or who will I be as an individual?