Looking Back At The Last Three Years

The past few years, different emotions have come up each time March 4 rolls around.  There are a few days of my life that I can relive vividly in my mind – every detail of them – and March 4, 2009, three years ago today, is one of them.  Life fell apart at 10:30 in the morning, and I couldn’t pick up the pieces for the longest time.

Time (and therapy) heals broken hearts, and we were in a better place March 4, 2010 to mark our first year of waiting.  We were (mistakenly) under the impression that our dossier could be released for matching at that point.  We were at least halfway to the finish line!  Look at us!  We had dinner out and bought some books for our little one to celebrate how far we had come in a year.

March 4, 2011 was a more reflective time.  The wait was getting hard, but it was supposed to end any time now.  It was a time to look back at what I’d learned through this wait, and to look expectantly to the hopefully not-so-distant future.

Today, we mark three years since we were hit with the double-edged sword of being told that yes, we could adopt one child from the Philippines, but no, we could not adopt the two children we had been falling in love with for the past six months.  2012 is different from 2010 and 2011.  This year, ICAB has been looking for more information about us.  They have been asking questions that are so reminiscent of questions we answered in the days leading up to March 4, 2009.  This week has been a heart-stopping week full of fear, sadness, trepidation, and eerie déjà vu. 

At a time when I should be so close to finding joy and reaching the end of this unbearably long wait, it’s tough to be slapped in the face with cold reminders of the past.  It makes it very easy to feel that this journey will not end simply because of who we are on paper.  To that end, I have to question one thing – if we were such horrible people, would we have held on for so long for something so precious as a human life?  Today I anticipate, hope, and pray with everything I have left.   

35 - The one I didn't want to write

35 months was the post I didn’t want to write.  If you follow this blog with any regularity, you might note that our months are marked on the fourth of each month.  I’m only 12 days late this month. 

I could say it was because I wasn’t home to sit down and write the weekend of February 4^th.  I could say it was because I got very busy with work and just didn’t have the time to sit down and write.  Both are true, but I could have gotten around them if I really wanted to.  The truth is – I just didn’t want to mark this milestone because I had hoped we would never have reached it.  At this point, I guess we’ll be hitting the three-year mark, too.

So, it is what it is.  Like I said, I’m very busy with work these days, so that has been helping me to keep my mind off the wait – while I’m working, anyway.  When I don’t have to work (you know, all those other times – cleaning litter boxes, cooking dinner, taking a shower…) it’s pretty much all I can think about.  I guess I need a new hobby!

Little one…I know you’re out there!  It’s just a matter of time.

The Psychology of a Long Wait

I am beginning this post in an attempt to explore, discover, and possibly rationalize why I have been so cranky and volatile during our wait for a referral.

To be clear, I understand fully that there are families who have been waiting for referrals just as long as we have, and some families have been waiting even longer at this point.  I understand that we wait our turn and things will eventually click into place.

In three weeks I will have been chasing the goal of motherhood via adoption for nine years.  I’m starting to consider all of the things I’ve sacrificed in the pursuit of the one thing I wanted more than anything else.  Was it worth it?  After nine years, I guess not.  The thing is, I always truly believed motherhood was just around the corner.  By the next Christmas, surely.

After being ICAB approved, I thought we were locked into a final countdown to the long-awaited day.  Starting at 18 months after approval, we started telling people who asked, “It could be at any time now.  They’re telling us 18 to 24 months.”  24 months rolled around and we were still saying, “It could be any time now.  They’re saying 24 to 36 months.”  So it would appear that a good deal of frustration would stem from living with the unknown for so many years, deluding myself into believing that then would be soon for so long – and always being wrong.

My personal theory is that timeframes are going to increase again, even though that is not the current word from ICAB.  The update from our agency last week was that there are still families from 2008 being matched, and most of the families from the first half of 2009 who are being matched now are Filipino families or non-Filipino families open to older children, siblings, or children with various health needs.  While we are waiting for a child between 3 and 9 years old, we are also at 34 months.  My feeling is that not only is our wait will be over three years.  That is confusing for us and for people who care about us.  It’s exhausting to have to explain to people who keep asking why there’s still no sign of a referral.

We seem to have a bad habit of jumping into things at just the wrong time.  By the time we were ready to sell our house after a year of discussion, we jumped in at just the time the marked crashed and couldn’t sell.  We waited a year in the Vietnam program; never realizing the Philippines was a viable option for us.  Had we not waited that year and jumped right in, we wouldn’t be in this mess of a wait.

So ultimately, where does my frustration come from?  Not from a program finding homes for children in the best way possible.  No, my frustration is with myself – for allowing the one thing I wanted above all else to occupy my mind and heart, sacrificing my ability to simply be – to live, love and enjoy life outside of pursuing motherhood.  I have taken a job working from home to be with my child when s/he comes.  What if that does not come to pass, I wonder?  Have I created this lonely of an existence for nothing?  And if this one dream of mine does not come true, who am I – or who will I be as an individual?  

34 months - Anything's Possible!

It’s a new month.  It’s a new year.  It’s a fresh start.

Anything’s possible!

Who knows what awaits us in 2012?  I’m pretty sure this will be OUR YEAR, though.

Like I said…

Anything’s possible!