Hitting the wall

Quite simply put, even though this week ended well, it was not a good week.

September 4 we hit our 18 month mark and all seemed right with the world. We could make it six more months with no problem. The way it turned out, I couldn’t even last one more week without an emotional breakdown.

Gregg has been carrying an increased amount of stress from his job, and I was feeling it. I was carrying an increased amount of stress from my job, and Gregg was feeling it. It was time for this referral to come. Really. I needed good news. Right now. The amount of time we have actually spent waiting for something to happen was just bowling me over and I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt that I had hit the wall.

Anger at our situation hit. The mental exhaustion. Total impatience. You name the feeling, I had it. I had more work this week than usual, and while that’s normally a good thing for me, it was making me even more miserable.

And everyone I talked to told me that things would happen “in God’s perfect timing.” My heart knows that this is true, but when you have hit the wall sometimes the reassurances you need to hear, the things that are so true, can be very painful when repeated so often. Sometimes I just want to scream “I’ve been waiting seven and a half years for it to be God’s perfect time, is He going to be ready anytime soon?”

Last night we went to church and I was praying for the patience to get through the rest of this wait. Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I could see myself hugging a young child and feeling happy and I knew that there would be an end to this wait – eventually. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

I thought that this last six months wouldn’t be so bad to get through if I put my mind to powering though it. It appears I was wrong. If the last week is a forecast of the next six months, I’ll be holding on tight – it’s going to be a bumpy ride to the finish.