So Why Now?

Why wait a year to tell the entire story – the whole truth – about our two weeks traveling in the Philippines?  For one, I really don’t remember the last time I’ve been more exhausted than during those two weeks.  I left with every good intention of blogging at least a little bit every day we were away, and within days those good intentions vanished into thin air.  I was too tired to think straight, let alone type a coherent thought at the end of the day.  And to be brutally, brutally honest, by the time we were ready to leave Legazpi, I was too afraid to blog.  Days with Francis were not the sunshiny honeymoon period that I had expected and read other moms blogging about.  We had our good moments, yes, but we had other times that just terrified me.

So now, one year later, why am I digging out all the dirt?  Why rehash it all now?  First of all, to be absolutely clear, I’m not trying to degrade Francis and say that he’s a bad kid.  He’s not.  Yes, he’s had his moments (doesn’t every kid?) but believe me when I tell you that MY son is the most FANTASTIC kid to ever walk the planet.  (OK, you probably don’t.  You think that about your kid.  But will you give my kid a close second, then?  Thanks.)  I’m reliving all of these memories because, after speaking with a few pre-adoptive parents about our experiences, they told me that nobody ever told them this kind of thing could happen. 

Everyone’s experiences are different.  Every child is different.  Every adoption is different.  I’m not going to tell you that if you adopt an older child your adoption will look exactly like ours did.  I’m also not going to tell you that if you adopt an older child that it won’t look like ours.  I will tell you that if you adopt an older child – or any child, for that matter, you should do your research and be prepared. 

Gregg and I were very lucky to have an arsenal of support in our first year as “trauma parents.” What got us through?

•  An attachment therapist who didn’t just help Francis, she helped us cope.

•  Despite the fact that Francis spoke fluent English when he came home, we had good people around who spoke Tagalog with him until he decided he was ready to stop speaking Tagalog completely.  (He still understands it and will answer in English.)

• Family who would jump in and help with Francis or errands or housework when we needed a break.

•  Members of the adoption community who were ready to listen and offer suggestions at a moment’s notice.

• The proper medical treatment.

•    Love – it’s not enough, but it does help.

We have only been a family for a year, and by no means are we parenting experts at this point.  I somehow doubt we ever will be.  On the other hand, the transformation in Francis and in us over the course of the past year has been dramatic.  He is no longer an angry, frightened little boy.  He is our delightful, funny, charming, and outgoing son, who continues to inspire and amaze us each day.  I have no doubt that as the years go by he will continue to grow and change, amazing us more and more each day.  We traveled a hard road together the past year, but I wouldn’t change a single minute of it – it was because of this that I got to be Francis’ mom. 

2012

2013

September 25, 2012

Our last full day in the Philippines.  There were things that we wanted to do in Manila, like visit the aquarium, while we were there, but we were pretty much out of energy and out of pesos at that point.

I had a little more shopping that I needed to finish in order to have all of the gifts that I wanted to have for Francis for future Family Days.  There was a mall directly across the street from the hotel that had a cultural store that would suit this shopping purpose, so I went over with my parents while Gregg stayed in and watched cartoons with Francis. 

At this point, we knew that television was a major trigger for Francis.  He didn’t care if you said no to the television, he found a way to get it back on.  And if you turned it off, he pitched a fit.  We had already made plans for our television to be “broken” when we got back home, so at this point we were just going with whatever he wanted when it came to watching cartoons.   The less we said no to, the fewer fits he threw.  And that was definitely the way to go.

When we came back from the store, we set Francis up with a Spider-Man puzzle.  It had about 100 pieces, and even though we gave him some help, he was able to knock out almost the entire thing by himself.  He really loved to figure things out and had a real knack for the puzzle.  We also played BINGO with him, and he got a kick out of calling the numbers. 

 

The other thing that Francis really enjoyed was paging through a Halloween circular from one of the stores at the mall.  He thought the costumes and pumpkins and decorations were very cool.  We were pretty sure this was the first time he had seen anything having to do with Halloween.  He decided after looking through the catalog that he wanted to be Spider-Man for Halloween.  Gregg was in his glory, since Halloween is his absolute-favorite holiday.

Later in the afternoon, we had one last meeting with our agency’s liaison over some babingka and tea.  At one point during our meeting, Francis came out wearing my shirt and his backpack. 

One Cool Dude.

 After saying goodbye, we started to make sure that everything was totally packed.  We had a very early wake-up call the next morning.  We planned on an early dinner and a very early bedtime.  It was just about time to say goodbye to the Philippines and head back to the United States. 

To Be Continued…

September 24, 2012

This was the long-awaited ICAB day.  This was supposed to be the high note on which our trip would end.  We would meet the people who matched us with Francis, gather the documents necessary for him to come into the United States, and take the requisite picture on “The Bench.”  It was something exciting to look forward to.  We had puppets to explain to Francis what would be happening this day. 

Francis had some other plans about ICAB day.  Thankfully, the ICAB staff has probably seen it all and then some before. 

Sit for a picture?  We couldn’t get him to sit at all.   I was very thankful to have my parents with us that day, because while Gregg and I went over the necessary paperwork with the ICAB social worker, my parents sat on the floor with Francis and played cars with him. 

About the time we were supposed to be touring the ICAB office and speaking with the other social workers, Francis decided he didn’t want to play and didn’t want to walk with us (or be carried).  He preferred to run up the stairs, dart into offices, and go just about anywhere he wasn’t supposed to go.  Gregg ended up finishing the tour and I ended up walking with Francis to keep him out of places he shouldn’t be.

This was the closest thing we got to a Bench picture.

 After ICAB, we visited the Philippines office of our adoption agency and heard more about their local outreach programs.  Fortunately, they had food, so Francis was quiet and a little more settled there.

We took the long way back to the hotel through the streets of Manila and got to see lots of the crazy Manila driving we had heard about.  Stop signs?  Red lights?  Mere suggestions.  Definitely not for the faint of heart.  Unfortunately, the man who was hired to be our driver while we were in Manila had his car detailed that day and had some sort of scented freshener in it.  By the time we got back to the hotel I was gagging, coughing, and having an asthma attack.  Between my asthma attack, Francis being in a cranky mood, and needing to pay the driver, we were beyond grateful to have my parents with us for the extra help at this point. 

We had hoped that going to ICAB would be the end of Francis’ nasty tantrums, but that hope was quickly dissolved.  Another tantrum followed later that day, perhaps the worst one yet.

We had one day left in the Philippines, and then we would be on our own.  We were looking forward to routine – and hot showers.

Celebrating ICAB Day with a fresh mango.

To Be Continued…  

September 23, 2012

Travel day.  Not yet leaving the Philippines, but leaving the region where Francis spent the first 7 years of his life.  Such a painful day for him.  The grief he felt in leaving Legazpi to go to Manila was written all over his face.  The intensity of his broken heart was enough to bring any one of us to tears.

The day started with a very early breakfast, loading up the van to the airport, and farewell to the staff of the Venezia, who had been so very kind and helpful during our stay. We took the quick ride to the Legazpi airport and then the day started to go downhill quickly.  We had to deal with a baggage agent who was charging exorbitant cash fees for overweight bags, which resulted in our nearly missing the plane.

Ready to go to Manila.

  When we got on the plane, Francis sat next to the window.  He sat with his face up against the glass the entire flight, looking forlornly at what he was leaving behind.  When we arrived in Manila, he was still quiet.  Then we got to the hotel. 

Leaving Legazpi - So very sad.

 Our itinerary for the rest of the week was to have free time the rest of the 23^rd, then go to ICAB on the 24^th, rest on the 25th and go home on the 26^th. 

In his time in Manila, Francis went all out to keep us on our toes.  One of his favorite tricks was locking the doors to the different rooms in the suite.  We had a few of our own tricks to prevent this from happening, but Francis was a pretty determined little guy. 

First family picture.

On the other hand, this was the first time that Francis sat down with his Magna Doodle and drew a family picture.  He was showing us that he felt that he belonged, even though he pushed his limits.  He still had a daily freak-out, generally around the same time in the afternoon, kicking, hitting, pinching, hair-pulling…it was getting worse, not any better. 

We had dinner that evening in the dining room, looking and feeling completely exhausted.  Francis, on the other hand, was full of pep and raring to go.  I still don’t know where he comes up with all of his energy.  We were full of hope that when he saw us make our promises to love him forever the next day at ICAB, he would understand that this relationship was forever and always and he would stop lashing out so painfully.  

Too tired to eat his mango dessert at the end of the day.

 To Be Continued…