September 25, 2008 was a day unlike any day we had experienced before. Gregg and I had received paperwork and photos we had been waiting on for three weeks – information all about a beautiful little girl and handsome little boy whose file we were going to review to determine if we were ready to be their parents. Really, it took no time at all. They were gorgeous. Any health problems they had we could deal with. They were perfect. They were going to be ours. September 25, 2008 we said yes to Pooh and Tigger and waited (and waited, and waited some more) for ICAB to get the paperwork straightened out.
And then, on March 4, 2009, they said “No.” And March 4, 2009, was unlike any day we had experienced before. We went from decorating bedrooms and nesting to picking up the pieces of our hearts. We couldn’t take their bedrooms apart but we couldn’t open the doors, and every time one of the cats would open one of the bedroom doors I would get mad at the cat for making me look at it and face my grief.
I went to see a social worker through our adoption agency for counseling. It was a good decision, as only my husband and my parents could quite grasp the level of loss I was feeling. I compared the loss to that of a miscarriage – we had held these children in our hearts for six months, and we knew about their likes, dislikes, what they looked like…and yet to so many people it was something we should just get over. Yeah, right.
I had been under the impression that another family from our agency had adopted Pooh and Tigger, so when the yearly Philippines birth culture event came along last summer, we decided not to go. I couldn’t face seeing those kids with another family.
By the end of my sessions, my counselor wanted to know if I would ever want to make contact with the family who would be adopting Pooh and Tigger. By that point, I just wanted to know that they were going to be OK. Who knew if I would ever find them.
Well, I might have plans, but the Lord apparently has bigger plans and the Internet at His disposal. I was shocked … and so happy to hear from the woman who would be Pooh and Tigger’s Mama after she (accidentally) found me on the Internet. He knew what I needed (as well as Gregg and the rest of the family) to realize that Pooh and Tigger would always be well cared for and loved. He found the most amazing family to bring Pooh and Tigger home, and I know it is a perfect fit. These two children, who made us Mommy and Daddy in our hearts two years ago, have now made two groups of people – from two countries – family. That’s amazing.
And as for us? I know our Little ‘Roo is on his or her way. And when he or she comes, they will fit just right.
Thanks for writing about this. I remember now, writing with you back then about them. What an amazing story, I'm glad that you get to know about their family, and that it's a good fit. So cool. So God.
ReplyDeleteThe ways of God are not our ways! Accepting that and trusting in that truth is, I believe, the difference between peace and excessive doubt/anger/sadness in this life.
ReplyDeleteI had a daughter still-born, and 5 miscarriages. Sadness was my constant friend for years! I can feel the pain you're talking about. But looking at my boys now...I would never have had the privilege to be their mom if any of those children had lived. And so...I praise God for the pain because of the joy He ultimately had in store for me.
I can't wait to meet God someday and thank Him for knowing me so well to give me something greater than I ever dreamed of. He has something truly awesome in store for you. God bless you!
I can completely relate to your post as we had a very, very similar situation with our first adoption 18 years ago. Loss in adoption is truly akin to losing a biological child, I believe. I know in my heart, as surely as I have known anything, however, that what was meant to be was meant to be. We have the perfect child for our family (and her birthday just happens to be September 25). Here's my story; thought you might want to read it: http://lilybelles.blogspot.com/2010/03/remember-first-call.html
ReplyDeleteTake care and best wishes on your adoption journey.
Jen, don't ever doubt that your pain is not real for losing Pooh & Tigger. Motherhood is an intense emotion that is heartfelt, you had that for them, and for that time being, you were their mother! :-) I too had miscarriages and a failed domestic adoption. I was there to deliver the baby, feed her, bathe her, name her, and love her. For that moment in time, I was her mother. The loss of baby Madison for me, was no different that losing my two biological children. It left a whole in my being so vast that I couldn't imagine ever surviving it. But Kelly is right, God ways are not ours, and His will is perfect. He had something in store for me so much greater than I could ever have dreamed of. He has for me a precious little girl, waiting on a mommy to love on her. I know he has something great in store for you and Gregg! Just wait and see...
ReplyDeleteBlessings friend,
Agnes
What a difficult journey you have been on. I passed on your blog to a dear friend of mine who has recently experienced something simliar in her adoption journey. I think your experience might help her feel not so alone in all of it. Thank you (;
ReplyDeleteJen,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading and passing my blog on to your friend. I'm so sorry she is going through a tough time in her adoption journey. If she would like to contact me to "talk," (I would have given just about anything to talk to someone who knew what I was going through at the time), she can feel free to e-mail me.
Jennifer