The wrong week for a wrong number

This is the end of a very ­long week.  I had just been telling a neighbor how glad I was that this week was over because it was such a tough week to get through.

And then my cell phone rang.  I saw a 215 area code and jumped a mile.  The only time we ever get calls from the 215 area code is when our adoption agency is calling.  And couldn’t we be getting That Call any time now?  It was a quick ring and I missed it.  Gregg told me to call back.  I thought about it, but they called me back first.

Me:  Hello?

Them:  Hi!  This is the Suchandsuch Inn, just calling to confirm your dinner reservation for tomorrow night.

Me:  What?  Really?  Ummm…No.  You really have the wrong phone number. 

And so we hung up and the poor woman, who I’m sure now has to figure out how to confirm a large dinner party for tomorrow night with no phone number (been there, done that, not fun) has no idea that she left me with my heart in my stomach for the rest of the evening. 

I hope it was just a warm-up for another 215 call that is coming soon.  I got a fortune cookie tonight that reads “There are many unexpected and thrilling surprises in store for you!”  It took everything I had not to ask the waiter what the success rate was for their fortune cookies.

Thankfulness on 10/10/10

October 10, 2010 – 10/10/10.  And when I hit “publish” on this, it will be 10:10 a.m.  Pretty amazing, no?

I wish I could take credit for this idea, but it actually came from this blog.  So for today, ten things I’m thankful for in life.  (In no particular order, by the way…)

1.    My relationship with my husband – as it’s been said, “we might not have it all together, but together, we’ve got it all.”  We’ve been to hell and back over the course of our marriage – we’ve come out with some scars, but I know we’re all the better for it.

2.    Family – without them, I would have nothing and be nothing.  They have gotten me through more crap and been there to celebrate along the way.  I love them, and I live for them.

3.    Faith – without my faith, I would never have made it through the last several years.  God moves mountains, even when it’s not when I want Him to.

4.    My furbabies – all eight of them.  My little monsters bring joy and laugher to this house.

5.    Working from home – Something I always wanted to do but didn’t have the chance until I lost my last job.  Losing that job was something I thought would be a tragedy, but turned out to be a small miracle, the result of which I am grateful for every day.

6.    I am so grateful for all of you who I have “met” through blogging and the Adopt-Philippines Yahoo Group.  An amazing group of women who just get it.

7.    God’s intervention in putting Pooh and Tigger’s new mama into my life.  She has been an amazing blessing to me.  After getting to know her and where the children will be, I see the other side of adoption much more clearly – and I am a better person for it.

8.    I am thankful for a new Church where we can feel moved and comforted by God’s presence.

9.    I am thankful that we are both working.

10. Right now I am thankful for all the little things fall brings – pumpkin and cranberry candles, butternut squash for dinner, and pumpkin coffee!

19 months and a whole lot of thanks

First, I have to say that the response to my last post was absolutely overwhelming.  I want to thank everyone who replied to me – you are an absolutely remarkable group of women.  I cannot thank you enough for sharing your stories with me – and with each other – and I pray that should someone else find herself in this type of painful situation, she will see this and know that there were others who have walked in the same shoes and made it to the other side.  God knows that when we lost Pooh and Tigger I felt very alone and had no idea where to turn.  I have always known that adoptive mothers and mothers-to-be were a unique group of individuals, but this is just one more thing that shows why.

Just as a further update, as of yesterday we hit our 19^th month of waiting.  Still no news.  We are another month closer, and I’m hoping that we will see our child’s beautiful face for the first time sometime in the next five months – hopefully less, and God willing, not more than that.  Besides keeping busy working, I’ve been occupying my evenings working on a trio of pillows for the little one featuring – who else?  Pooh, Tigger, and Eeyore.  I’m loving the bright colors and can’t wait to see how they perk up the little one’s bedroom.  The kitties have been more than happy to help with the yarn involved in this project.  I took some pictures of their “help” and will have to post some soon. J 

To get where you're going, sometimes you have to be OK with where you've been

September 25, 2008 was a day unlike any day we had experienced before.  Gregg and I had received paperwork and photos we had been waiting on for three weeks – information all about a beautiful little girl and handsome little boy whose file we were going to review to determine if we were ready to be their parents.  Really, it took no time at all.  They were gorgeous.  Any health problems they had we could deal with.  They were perfect.  They were going to be ours.  September 25, 2008 we said yes to Pooh and Tigger and waited (and waited, and waited some more) for ICAB to get the paperwork straightened out.

And then, on March 4, 2009, they said “No.”  And March 4, 2009, was unlike any day we had experienced before.  We went from decorating bedrooms and nesting to picking up the pieces of our hearts.  We couldn’t take their bedrooms apart but we couldn’t open the doors, and every time one of the cats would open one of the bedroom doors I would get mad at the cat for making me look at it and face my grief. 

I went to see a social worker through our adoption agency for counseling.  It was a good decision, as only my husband and my parents could quite grasp the level of loss I was feeling.  I compared the loss to that of a miscarriage – we had held these children in our hearts for six months, and we knew about their likes, dislikes, what they looked like…and yet to so many people it was something we should just get over.  Yeah, right.

I had been under the impression that another family from our agency had adopted Pooh and Tigger, so when the yearly Philippines birth culture event came along last summer, we decided not to go.  I couldn’t face seeing those kids with another family. 

By the end of my sessions, my counselor wanted to know if I would ever want to make contact with the family who would be adopting Pooh and Tigger.  By that point, I just wanted to know that they were going to be OK.  Who knew if I would ever find them.

Well, I might have plans, but the Lord apparently has bigger plans and the Internet at His disposal.  I was shocked … and so happy to hear from the woman who would be Pooh and Tigger’s Mama after she (accidentally) found me on the Internet.  He knew what I needed (as well as Gregg and the rest of the family) to realize that Pooh and Tigger would always be well cared for and loved.  He found the most amazing family to bring Pooh and Tigger home, and I know it is a perfect fit.  These two children, who made us Mommy and Daddy in our hearts two years ago, have now made two groups of people – from two countries – family.  That’s amazing. 

And as for us?  I know our Little ‘Roo is on his or her way.  And when he or she comes, they will fit just right.

Lessons from an ice cream cone

It’s no secret in our family that our Husky, Lakota, is our baby.  She is so spoiled (even more by my mother than by us) and spends most of her days now curled up next to my desk watching me type.  She’s always been a picky eater, and we try not to give her treats unless she’s finished her food for the day. 

Then there was tonight.  Mind you, Lakota is almost 11 years old now.  Her hip bothers her sometimes.  But we’ve had strangers off the street ask us if she’s only three or four because she’s just so dang feisty and young-looking.  Well, tonight after I finished washing the dishes, Miss Lakota decided that even though she didn’t want to eat her food, she wanted a treat – now.  This dog stood by the closet door (where her treats are kept) and barked.  Then she ran around the dining room table three times, jumped on the couch, barked at the closet door, and jumped straight up in the air about three feet and landed on all fours.  I was hysterical.  She hasn’t done anything like that since she was two and jumped onto my parents’ dining room table from a standing position.  (No treats from grandma that day!)  Moral of this story?  Make me laugh and do something out of the ordinary and you’ll probably get that treat before you finish your food, Lakota. 

Gregg and I learned a thing or two about breaking the rules over the summer.  Normally, our conversations about dinner go something like, “What do you want me to make for dinner?”  “I don’t know, what do you want?”  Then one day, we both decided we weren’t all that hungry, but Gregg had a craving for ice cream.  Ice cream it was.  No protein, no green vegetable.  Just ice cream.  Because you know what?  Right now it’s just us – we’re not thinking of a child’s nutritional needs yet.  We’ve followed the rules, and ice cream for dinner isn’t a huge rule breaker – as long as it’s not every night :)  We actually did this a few times over the summer, and you know what?  They were probably some of my favorite nights with my husband.  Who doesn’t smile when they’re eating a crazy-good ice cream flavor? 

So ultimately, I guess what I’m saying is that I hope I’m that kind of mom when the time comes and the time that I’ve spent waiting has been for learning the extra lessons I’ll need along the way.  Rules are important and need to be followed – but hey, sometimes you just need to eat dessert first.   

Hitting the wall

Quite simply put, even though this week ended well, it was not a good week.

September 4 we hit our 18 month mark and all seemed right with the world. We could make it six more months with no problem. The way it turned out, I couldn’t even last one more week without an emotional breakdown.

Gregg has been carrying an increased amount of stress from his job, and I was feeling it. I was carrying an increased amount of stress from my job, and Gregg was feeling it. It was time for this referral to come. Really. I needed good news. Right now. The amount of time we have actually spent waiting for something to happen was just bowling me over and I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt that I had hit the wall.

Anger at our situation hit. The mental exhaustion. Total impatience. You name the feeling, I had it. I had more work this week than usual, and while that’s normally a good thing for me, it was making me even more miserable.

And everyone I talked to told me that things would happen “in God’s perfect timing.” My heart knows that this is true, but when you have hit the wall sometimes the reassurances you need to hear, the things that are so true, can be very painful when repeated so often. Sometimes I just want to scream “I’ve been waiting seven and a half years for it to be God’s perfect time, is He going to be ready anytime soon?”

Last night we went to church and I was praying for the patience to get through the rest of this wait. Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I could see myself hugging a young child and feeling happy and I knew that there would be an end to this wait – eventually. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

I thought that this last six months wouldn’t be so bad to get through if I put my mind to powering though it. It appears I was wrong. If the last week is a forecast of the next six months, I’ll be holding on tight – it’s going to be a bumpy ride to the finish.

18 months and counting

Yesterday Gregg and I marked 18 months of waiting for a referral. On one hand, I can’t believe that we’ve actually made it this far, waited this long. On the other hand, I can’t believe that we still have up to six months (or longer?) to wait. Right now I’m trying to think along the lines of, we’ve made it through 18 months already – six months should be nothing compared to what we’ve already waited out. I’ve mentioned before that I can be an absolute workaholic and that can help the weeks pass quickly. Well, flu and bronchitis season is just around the corner and that’s good business for a medical transcriptionist who deals primarily with general practitioners. I’m hoping the fall and winter will blow by just as quickly as the summer did. Then I have to wonder, too – isn’t it a really horrible thing to wish your life away? Shouldn’t we just be enjoying it? Again, I guess it just comes down to waiting for the one big thing. 

Some days I still feel like the wait ahead of us could stretch the full six months, other days I feel we could get a call at any time. I do take a little bit of comfort tonight in knowing that sometime in the next six months Gregg and I will be able to look at a photograph and say “That’s our child. That’s the one we’ve waited for so many years to see.”